My Life.....

10 things I like in a Mumbai local

2011-06-23T23:22:00.000+05:30

One lady with three bags shouting at another one with five bags for carrying too much luggage during peak hours
How much ever be the rush, a vendor will always find place for his sale in the compartment
Someone will always be reading paper/book/ over another unknown person's shoulder
Person without pass will most probably end up with a seat earlier than a genuine traveller
There will always be someone who wants to go in the opposite side station thereby ruining your ironed shirt
If you reach early, trains will be late & vice-a-versa
More often than not you will get a seat only when you have reached the second last station of your destination
Atleast once in summer you would end up travelling in compartment where Fans wont be working
Just to add... Railway fans can still be easily be operated by combs
All said and done...I think this is one of the few places where all caste & creed get the same unfair treatment & no one can complain!

Now that you are enlightened...go enjoy your journey ....

Shrug or Stare - Time to change

2010-12-20T17:37:00.002+05:30

What did you do when you heard the prices shot up, potholes on the way to your home have multiplied overnight, power-cuts have increased...just think back and you would realise that all you did was first CRIB, utter some swear words & finally “SHRUG” your shoulders blaming the politicians, government (sometimes even the entire Universe) to have conspired and turned a blind eye towards the apathy of you or what you love to call yourself – Common Man!

The social conditioning received from childhood stating you alone cannot change anything has instilled this behavior in our DNA. Is there a fear of acceptance of our ideas, social stigma or crushing of the ideas because of which we just hold ourselves back?

Many of us join online groups for venting our frustrations...but physically what we do to improve these conditions … is zilch!

A very recent experience which I have had is narrated below..

Near the station where I live, I saw a bunch of elderly gentlemen staring intently at some road construction work that was in progress… there was a small crowd that was already gathered there. Out of curiosity, I too glanced & on not seeing something euphoric happening there, nudged an elderly gent & asked the typical – Kya hua yaha, uncle? The response (mentioned below) that I got was classic and something which made me think -

'We have retired and have lot of free time on our hands....so when we see some activity, which concerns a citizens benefit, we all just go and look at the work. The contractor/person-in-charge at the site cannot shoo us away as neither we are disturbing him nor stopping his work! However with us staring intently, slowly a crowd is formed who all come, stare, say something & leave. This inturn puts slight pressure on the contractor as he gets insecure thinking that may be these people know something about this line of work & are hence staring. Cause of this instead of doing a 100% shoddy job, we might be able to bring down the shoddiness by 10-15%....the road that was going to go kaput in 10 days will now atleast be firm for 12 days...

I would not for sure know to what level this small initiative (if it can be called so) by this elderly group would work, but atleast they are making an effort!

If such a basic human behavior of someone staring at something can benefit us, then I am sure there might be loads of such small ideas which can be leveraged upon!

So may be even we can come out of our facebook n orkut accounts and see what changes can we do in the real life. Unless we want to crib and shrug for eternity....its time we got our act together and made a small difference in one way or the other. With time, who knows, it might snowball into something constructive that will benefit atleast some of us.

Spider-Man: A tale of an unsuccessful visit!

2009-11-28T13:47:00.002+05:30

Long before the top brass of US and India started their ‘visits’ to meet and praise each other, our very own loving superhero Spider-Man a.k.a spidey had been to the city of dreams (ya from Newyork to Mumbai!!!) as he sensed a great opportunity and knew that India was the next-big-thing! Well, nobody knew his tale of woes as it was neither officially published nor was this debacle ever spoken in any of the so-called-socio-political circles…

However while cleaning the attic of the Whitehouse before the Indian PM’s visit, this snippet documenting the reasons of his return was found, which I present for you…

• First and foremost, it is way too hot in India and the spidey ‘non-ventilated’ rubber suit really sucked in such climates (sic!)

• The cameras that he mounted on the building to document his ‘saving’ acts were never ‘found’ again! Duh!

• Lack of those tall multi-storey buildings meant that he always was bracing himself from crashing against the electric poles, telephone wires, hoardings, overhead cables rather than saving people.

• Understanding the distress signals sent in the local Mumbaiiya language had its own complexity!

• People in Mumbai had inbuilt immaculate skills to sway away or zig-zag from an on-coming vehicles at the last possible moment so he never really got to show-off his life-saving ability!

• Saving sari-clad-women-carrying-accessories (purse, handbags, plastic bags, groceries, etc etc…) was something spidey could never master! Poor soul…

• His collection of spidey suits were all stained from the paan jet emanating from bus, cab, building, pedestrians which always caught him unawares! No suits, No dare devilry and No spidey!!

• All poltical parties warned him to change his suit colours, hold their party flag and promote their party while flying! Whether he 'saves' anyone was not their bother!

• The BMC, in a bid to avoid cleaning the webs spun by spidey, had sprayed all sort of insecticides across the city causing him all possible allergies!

The tale of two hospitals- Part I

2009-08-02T22:49:00.002+05:30

As luck would have it, I had to visit a couple of Hospitals in the last 2 weeks. First visit was to what we term as “municipality” hospital to meet a person working in my neighbor’s office. It served as students’ study expeditions too.

The first thing that you see is the paan stains visible everywhere right from the hospital name-board, corridors, windows, to the smiling “kaka” manning the floor. With neither a reception nor any person to guide task of finding the patient was easy as finding a needle in hay stack!

The fruits, that I had carried, were immediately discarded by the nurse as the diet out there included vadapavs & not fruits! Last seen, the food was deliciously devoured by a guy couple of beds aside.

Patient whom I met was explaining his daily routine. His day started with a few students from nearby medical colleges coming with sticks and poking him to death. Next would be stretching his mouth, pulling out his tongue & then stuffing his mouth with a thermometer. These antics would guarantee that his BP did shoot up when they checked it next! If not, then the next trick of knocking out his kneecap with their ‘hammers’ definitely guaranteed it!

Last act was to check the X-rays and scanning reports. They same reports, I am sure, must have served as reference to many students as all that was left of that report was a gaping hole!

A passing look at the ICU confirmed that it was nothing less than shopping market with doctors, nurses, relatives, patients and some old discarded equipments jostling for space!

After this saintly experience, I was sure that patients getting their treatments in the luxury hospitals would have been blessed…But unfortunately that is not the case….

(...To be continued)

A Nightmare...

2009-06-06T12:15:00.004+05:30

Darkness enveloped the entire scenario visible from the bedroom. It was more than 3 hours but there were no signs of electricity being restored. Rain was still pouring hard. Water level, already above three feet, was rising with each passing moment.

I & Uncle were stuck in the deserted building, plainly unaware of what to do next.

Phones were incessantly ringing with brothers telling me to evacuate the house as quickly as possible. I could not leave the place without my Uncle, who just did not agree to join me. I picked some cash and emergency items from the Hall and started packing them, hoping that some sense would prevail & he would agree.

My uncle suddenly rushed in from the bedroom and started urging me to move out. Before his mind changed, I quickly collected the packed items and moved out of the house. I was about to lock the door, when uncle remembered that he had left something back in the bedroom.

I went rushing in to retrieve it but was stopped by a small black object on the bed, on which I usually sleep.

I went near the object and turned it around. To my utter horror, what lay in front of me was badly mutilated dead body of my uncle. Screaming with fear, I looked above to see the time in over-head clock..… it was 3:30AM.

Perspiring, I got up from my sleep & got hold of my cell phone...Time in it was exactly 3:30AM!

Giving it up...

2009-05-10T15:20:00.002+05:30

Most of my past posts have been attempts at humour. However the events in my life over the past few months have turned my attention towards the idea of "giving it up".

Giving it up & Giving up is as different as chalk and cheese. The latter is somewhere similar to accepting your defeat whereas former would indicate a form of sacrifice.

Life many a times makes us stand at crossroads and offers choices which can either hurt us by providing happiness to others or vice-a-versa. Most of the times in such situations we tend to take the first option when our loved ones are in consideration. Relationships which are very close to our heart have to be just given up and there is nothing that can be done except finding solace in the reasoning that we offer ourselves that its for the greater good.

Sometimes looking back at those decisions do we realise that there were alternatives. Alas! which we did not visualize then, which if taken, could have led to an entire different course of things. How often is that we repent on our decisions, our lack of foresight, our sacrifices but still just bear it and move on.

Time is said to be great healer which coupled with the human ability of moving on just eases the pain of the love, the care, the promise, the dreams, the future which we gave up.

Love is the most demanding relationships in any living world. It often presents such crossroads and whatever decision one takes, it just ends up in hurting oneself however vital the greater good is.

Most of us have undergone such experiences. You could just put some of those experiences in the comments. Lets understand how vivid the circumstances, how painful the experiences and how the sense of hope for something better prevails in our hearts...

Come together...

2008-11-30T00:06:00.009+05:30

A few lines, I penned after the gruesome attack on our beloved Mumbai, orchestrated by the blood thirsty terrorists, was brought to an end, by our brave soldiers.....

My heart goes out to each & every individual, who had to face the wrath of that cowardly act...May God be with you.....

Strictly Un-Olympic...

2008-08-25T01:33:00.007+05:30

The hoopala over the single Olympics gold medal we won just makes me wonder (I know I am joining the millions of exisitng similar minded ‘experts’) the reasons for us not winning the much coveted medals. May be Olympics does not have the right sports or as we say, it’s not tailored to suit us Indians.

So other than the slim chances T20’s inclusion in Olympics, what are the areas where in we have our so-called expertise? Raking my brains, I have come up with an event list which will never be included in Olympics! But what the heck, you guys can still read it:

(S)potholes: This event would compose of a 1Km ride with the road stretch full of something that the drivers in Mumbaikars adore & worship: Potholes. Participants have to spot the potholes & reach the finish line in one-single unharmed piece! Not expecting much are we?? This event would be conducted at night with no lights & slight rain. Events can include both bikes & cars. Anybody traveling in Mumbai/Thane/Pune etc can apply! I am sure we can downright win all possible medals in this event!

Pain Paan: Modeled on events like Javelin throw. Contestants will be given 2 mins in which they will have to prepare, eat & spit paan. Longest distance wins! Should be an easy sport for us!! Japan, china, US, wot say???

Merry Mirrors: Drivers would have to drive their vehicles in adverse traffic conditions for two kms. Only condition being, No mirrors allowed i.e. neither rear view nor side view mirrors! Our own Mumbaiiya cabbies would represent India in this... Guys who have had a taxi ride in Mumbai will vouch for the fact that these guys can drive in any environment, be it rains, traffic, night & any speed, without any thing bearing even remote resemblance to mirrors!

Spectacular Stunts: Focus of this event would be on unbelievable, unforeseen stunts performed live before the Olympic audience. Students from our very own institutes like Mithunda Institute of Special effects, Rajnikant Anti-Gravity Institute, etc would be our best bet! Damn let me see any one beat them in this event!

If we fail to get our medals inspite of this, then our own Mallus & Kolkattians can stop the entire events by organising a lighting quick Bandh or Strike..Yipeeeee! Give us medals or the Olympic choollha will never burn....Hail Strikes!!!!

2008-06-24T02:12:00.001+05:30

Its said that "A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words". With that in mind & some 'inspiration', I have created my first "Cartoon" strip based on a doubt that I have been nurturing about the great Indian Mythology, from my childhood days! Comments, as usual, are welcome!!!

SPL - Sholay Premier League

2008-05-11T23:32:00.006+05:30

IPL craze being so high, I just wondered what would have happened if Thakur & Gabbar, the evergreen & great stalwarts from the epic movie Sholay decided to cross their paths on the cricket pitch & that too on their own terms!

Read on to find how I feel the epic encounter would have shaped up....

Gabbar's dacoits were tired of being constantly pestered by Thakur's henchmen (Jai & Veeru).
After lot of bloodshed, both Thakur & gabbar decided to settle the scores by having a cricket match. The stakes were high as the one losing would have to do a non-compromise surrender to the winner!!

Place & day was decided quickly but the only thing left unattended was the appointment of umpires.

Vary of the bad blood between the two sides, no one was willing to act as an umpire.

Atlast it was decided that each team would have its own umpire & decision will be based on what they SEE & the LIFTING of index finger would be the only indication that the batsmen was out!!

The training session was full on @Gabbar11 hideouts with Samba doing the aerial survey of the team, sixes earned "shabashki" whereas no balls got you a desi version of Russian Roulette (yeah yeah...same kitne aadmi the wala game) from the captain Gabbar!!

Where as Thakur knew that his bunch of lazy bums would not be able win this high octance game with their non-existent cricketing skills. Instead of practising hard, he sat down with coach Ramlaal & strategist Radha to devise what as per them was a simple strategy!!

On the D-day, both teams gathered in the watertank ground. Spectators were in fulll attendance.

At the toss, Jai used his "special" coin, resulting in Thakur11 winning & inviting Gabbar11 to make first use of the freshly laid pitch!!

Nobody was surprised by this move as they knew Thakur's preference to chase!!!

Gabbar & Soorma Bhopali opened the innings for Gabbar11 & vice captain Veeru of Thakur11 was ready from the Shivmandir end to start the day's proceeedings.

Basanti & her aunty led the cheerleaders, who vociferously cheered each wicket that fell whereas Angrezo ko zamaane ke jailer, Asrani, led the commentary team!

Match proceeded with Gabbar11 team slaying fledgling bowlers of Thakur11 to post a healthy 350 before being bowled out!

After the innings break, a beaming Gabbar led his team back on the field, fully aware that Thakur's team would once again falter in such a big chase!

But his smile was replaced by a look of shock & horror as openers from Thakur11 came in, preceeded by "Umpires" Thakur & Imam (Shri A K Hangal) !!!!

2008-04-29T16:52:00.007+05:30

Happy Weekdays!!!

Happier weekends....

(Image Source: Internet)

Always a first time.....

2008-04-29T16:28:00.005+05:30

In life, there's a cliche which goes something like this "There's always a first time" ...

You will hear it all the time from your family, friends, peers, bosses....girlfriends...(no corrupt thoughts please!!!)

Read on to find out...how my first experience about ____ was....

Being a weekday, some crowd was expected but the horde of people just took my breath away!!!

Having purchased my pass the previous day, I just went & joined the throng of people....

Bouncers guarding the entrance seemed to have little effect on the crowd which seemed ready to charge in, any moment...

After a lot of pushing & pulling, even I was able to squeeze in somehow...all thanks to my small frame!

Being the first time, I did not know what to expect. Once inside, the lack of proper light did bother me a bit. The place was choc-a-bloc with people busy in chatting, screaming shouting n fighting!

Regulars could be easily identified by their cocky behaviour...whereas newbies like me were trying for a spot to be able to stand properly!

One could not miss the live loud karaoke in the background with people singing (...screaming rather) some regional songs!

The place did not match my expectations...but what the heck...it was enjoyable!!

No sooner did I think that things had got a bit silent & started enjoying the mindless karaoke, a sudden madness hit the crowd, who not only pushed me out from my thoughts but also the train....ending my first train journey!!

I just penned my first train experience from Goregaon to Andheri....What place did u think I was talking about??

Why twin towers were demolished...

2008-03-29T18:51:00.010+05:30

Elections being round the corner, the dhoti-clad babus of Mumbai after a hectic tumbakoo chewing, paan spitting, mud slinging session decided to be constructive & implement their ideas of turning Mumbai into Shanghai..

Advertisements were published in all trailing newspapers & candidates were interviewed. Sweepers & cleaners, being the only literates in the cabinet, were the interviewers. After much deliberations, only one resume was shortlisted & it was of Mr.Hosama-Been-Loadin.

Hosama was allocated a posh flat in a famed locale in the city. His first task was to survey the city to identify places to be demolished for reconstruction. His idea of surveying the city in the state chopper did not materialise as it had been assigned to get daily fresh vegetables for the state CM from his native place!

Business giant Mr. More-cash Humbani heard of this plight & offered Hosama a eco-friendly cycle since his jets & cars were busy ferrying celebrities who were facing serious limelight issues!!!

With no other option left, Hosama circled the town on his tri-cycle for a couple of months & submitted his plan to demolish the slums of Dhaarabi...

The final outcome after the red tape procedures meant something like this:

Of the total, following cant be demolished as...
50% - Reserved for scheduled category
20% - Owned by Ruling party
15%- Owned by Opposition party
13% - Owned by Land mafia
1.5% - Legal Slums

which meant that only 0.5% could be actually demolished!!!

Even this miniscule figure could not dent Hosama, with soaring hopes & expectations, he reached the "site" of demolision...the only thing existing there was a stagnating Nalla & the house in which he had been staying since his appointment to the post !!!Frustration creeped in & thats when he decided to take things in his own hands, left India, planned further & demolished the twin towers!!!

2008-03-11T00:00:00.005+05:30

Thanx for thinking of taking your time out to read a novice's (yup... me :-) ) attempt at writing something which I felt was worthwhile.

The inspiration for this daredevilry comes from my chums Jack & Prash (Double trouble, as I call them).

Living on the central side of my small infinite world..Mumbai or to be more precise Dombivili, Thane & working in its heart, Andheri, leads to a marathon travelling effort to reach office. This daily marathon of mine composes of a small walk, an auto, couple of trains, a bus & on some generous day, a bike too & contributes to around 4hrs/day!

Train is said to be the the lifeline of Mumbai. Only thing I am not able to comprehend is what an outsider would feel of a Mumbaikar's feeble efforts & planning to safeguard their dear life once they get onto their source platform.

Platform or in Mumbaiiya terms "station" is an absolutely interesting place to be in, especially in the peak time! I believe station is one of the major hotspots in Mumbai attracting more people than a Mall/Beach! One may disagree but this is the view I have been holding since sometime.

Being an optimistic, I end up seeing the better side of things. Lets take our stations, I think its one's best bet to scare off relatives who have plans to settle in Mumbai. Ideal destination for such heroics would be locations like Borivli platform. Take them there & start accepting bets on the odds of their being able to get inside the compartment in single-piece, then may be odds on their surviving the ordeal & then remind them that they need to do the same thing in the evening to get back home. Adding that, for first time travellers, the Odds are stacked in favour for the person not able to even make it to the compartment in single piece, would definitely help you reach your goal easily.

Mentioning that you have purchased your flats by holding similar "bets" for earlier guests with similar "mumbai-settling" plan would also get you some brownie points!

Apart from scaring off relatives..stations can also help you impress them with the beauty of the city, Bandra/Vileparle/Churchgate/Andheri bear the testimonial to the same.No, No, not the station itself, I am reffering only to the hip crowd that assembles on this platforms!

Coming back...to the lifeline angle. My height is just above 5ft 4inches, meaning that in the morning train, its impossible for me to reach anything which closely resembles a trains anatomy. On most days, some body part of mine ends up getting entagled to someone's bag, belt, etc & I get sucked in with them!!

The time I usually get into the train is around 8:15-8:25. I had tried several days to get into the trains a bit earlier...but after several trial & errors, I have come to conclude that this is the best time for me to ensure my life doesn't end on the line! Second important aspect being the train arriving on the same platform as it was supposed to be, which most daily commuters agree is in itself a great relief!

Else, we usually end up running to & fro between platforms, taking wild guesses as to which platform would the driver take fancy to, on that particular day. Some people also associate such changes to the whims & fancies of the announcer.

Anyways I think the train is arriving as I can sense the excitement levels increasing, also the person behind me has started poking me with everything he has got today...newspaper & his tiffin for instance.

Do leave your feedback...as that would be instrumental to help me decide whether to get into the train to narrate my further experiences....